A Siriusly Clever Pun
by Naneek
Summary: Cathy Higgins can't find a boyfriend, so what does she do? She gets a pretend one! A MarySue parody that's hopefully not too cruel.
1. Cathy Just Can't Get a Boyfriend

**Well, this is just a little something I wrote to add to the many Mary-Sue parodies out there. Maybe somebody should write a Mary-Sue parody parody. Or maybe not. Anyway, I hope it's not too awful!**

Chapter 1 - Cathy Just Can't Get a Boyfriend

(Cathy's story is in **bold.**)

Cathy Higgins was depressed. She couldn't get a boyfriend! No matter what she did (and she'd tried everything, from spontaneous stripping to blackmail), no one wanted to date her. Her most recent attempt (groping Samuel Maple from behind) had failed as well, and Cathy was out of ideas.

She collapsed on her bed and wondered what to do. Then, just like that, it came to her! If she couldn't have a boyfriend in real life, she'd have one for pretend!

Her eyes fell on her copy of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_. She'd always loved to read fanfiction online, why not try writing some? It only took her a second to figure out which imaginary character would be her beau - it had to be Sirius Black. A devastatingly handsome, black-haired, motorcycle-riding rebel, now _that_ was Cathy's ideal man. Or boy (she was only twelve).

Excited by her new idea, Cathy jumped up and turned on her computer. Planning be damned, she wanted to write this now! She typed the first sentence of her (soon to be illustrious, Cathy hoped) literary career and read it critically:

**Cathy Higgins was a short, brown-haired, brown-eyed girl of average weight. **

_No, no, that will never do!_ Cathy thought. _Who wants to read about normal people?_ Besides, she could indulge her every fantasy through writing, and no one would ever know! What online reader would be able to tell that Cathy was making her alter-ego a little more perfect than was normal? Cathy was very sure that every reader would just _love_ her character. She tried again.

**Cathy Higgins was a breathtakingly tall, willowy girl of sixteen (although she looked around twenty-seven) with shiny, long black hair that fell in gentle waves over her shoulders. She had a perfectly formed face, white porcelain skin, and huge, beautiful eyes of a mesmerizing amber-amethyst-emerald-sapphire. **(Cathy thought about adding "quartz" but she wasn't quite sure if it was a jewel or a kind of watch.)

_That's better, _she thought. But what about the name? Cathy Higgins was so _ordinary_, so _realistic._ In other words, boring! Now that she thought about it, Cathy had always wanted the name Moonlit Starbeam. Or maybe Starlit Moonbeam...Star for short! Yes, that was perfect!

But now, Cathy had a problem. She had no idea what to write about! She remembered the words of her fourth-grade English teacher: _"Always plan before you write!"_ This sounded like good advice, so Cathy abandoned her computer and made a list of characters.

**1. Starlit Moonbeam Higgins **(she just had to keep the last name)

**Main character. Devastatingly gorgeous, brilliant, obscenely talented, and possessing a special power (must think of one!). Tragic past filled with abuse and mistreatment at the hands of her adoptive parents. She is forever haunted by the mysteries and horrors of her past. She's hotheaded and stubborn, and no one wants to be on the other end of her anger, but everybody in the world loves her. Dumbledore himself cannot suppress his eye-twinkles whenever she is near. Known as "Star". **(_Perfect, _thought Cathy. _She's exactly who I wish I was!)_

**2. Sirius Orion Black:**

**Loves Star with all his heart. Devastatingly handsome. He has his own tortured past, but hides it well with jokes and by regularly eating frighteningly large amounts of food. His entire being is focused on Star, but her secret past keeps them from being together. **

**3. Lily Marie Evans:**

**Pretty and smart, but not as much as Star. She's Star's best friend, and is never ever ever jealous of her perfect friend. She's in love with James Potter but so far she doesn't know it. (Star does, though. She's very insightful.) **

**4. James Michael Potter: **

**He is crazy about Lily. He asks her out every single time he sees her. Sometimes he sings it, and sometimes he writes it down, but wherever Lily is, James will be there asking her out. It's guaranteed.**

**5. Cecilia Raine LeBourgeois: **(Cathy wasn't sure what "bourgeois" meant, but it sounded very glamourous.)

**She is quiet and likes to read, but she is very pretty in her own way. She's perfect for Remus, but thanks to his "condition", they're doomed to be apart. **

Under this, Cathy wrote herself a note:

**Unless maybe she's a werewolf too...then they can roam the grounds and have marvelous adventures together...think about this! **

**6. Remus Werewolf Lupin:** (Cathy wanted to keep it obvious.)

**He is quiet and likes to read, but he is very handsome in his own way. He's perfect for Cecilia, but thanks to his "condition", they're doomed to be apart. **(This looked somehow familiar to Cathy, but she shrugged it off. There was still one more character to write.)

**7. Peter Slimeball Pettigrew:**

**He is fat, ugly, and nobody likes him. He is also often absent. He is a slimeball. And fat. And nobody likes him.**

Whew! Cathy was exhausted, but she had finally laid some groundwork for her story. She decided to get some rest and work on it tomorrow.

As she slept that night, dreams of Starlit Moonbeam and Sirius Black ran through her head...Maybe tomorrow she would write their meeting, awkwardly but very romantically, of course.

**Well, what did you think? Like I said, I pretty much just popped this out one evening. If I get a positive response, I'll write some more chapters. (I hate to be like those people who say "NO NEW CHAPTER UNTIL I GET 300 REVIEWS!" but I don't want to write something nobody likes.) Feedback is appreciated!**


	2. Cathy Writes the Important Stuff

_**Here's Ch. 2! Thanks for the reviews, and I hope you like it! And MelancholyAnatine, I like chocolate best ;)**_

Cathy woke up the next morning in a very good mood. _If I'm beautiful and brilliant in my fanfiction,_ she thought, _maybe I'll be beautiful and brilliant in real life, too!_

With this idea, she tried even harder than usual to find a boy to date. But as the day drew to a close, she was still down a little: .5 for 76. (She counted the half because when she'd given David Bowan a lap dance during lunch, he'd been speechless. So he hadn't actually said _no_.)

Nevertheless, Cathy wasn't disappointed at all. She had a pretend boyfriend! As soon as she returned home, it was time to write.

_First things first,_ she thought. _I should do a summary and introduction._ She tried the summary:

**Follow the life of Moonlit Starbeam **(Cathy had forgotten her alter-ego's name)** as she attends Hogwarts after transferring from an American school. She fits in well, but there are two problems: the boy that all the girls want can't keep his mind off her, but she refuses his advances. Will he be able to win her heart? Also, beautiful, talented, and brilliant though she is, Star can't shake her dark, dark, dark, mysterious, dark past. **

Cathy was very pleased with this summary (it was thirty words too long, but what did she care?) and thought she should write not just the introduction, but also an author's note for the end of her first chapter.

**Intro: This probably sucks but you know. I hope it doesn't suck too bad. If you like it REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW. The random Spanish is just to show how smart I am, and if you want to know what it means, look it up, loser. Oh and I found the song in the Sorting scene in my Spice Girls album and I just thought it fit the moment so well. **

**A/N: Well what do you think? It probably sucks. Anyway REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! If you don't REVIEW at least TEN TIMES I will MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! THIS IS NOT AN EMPTY THREAT! I want at least FIFTY REVIEWS before I update!**

(Cathy thought it best to gently remind her readers that feedback was appreciated.)

But wait! Cathy almost hit herself. She'd forgotten the most important thing of all - the title! _What kind of title will make me seem smart and witty?_ wondered Cathy. _Wait a minute - I can use Sirius' name like 'serious'! How clever and original! I'm sure nobody's ever done that before!_

So Cathy decided to use a Sirius pun. But there was a problem: she couldn't think of any! She decided that "_A Siriously Clever Pun"_ would have to do. Hopefully her readers would catch the serious cleverness.

Now she was almost ready to start. But one thing was still missing: a quote at the beginning of her story. She had no idea what her plot was going to be, so decided to just find one that sounded ambiguous but very smart.

_Aha! _Cathy had found the "S" pages in her Quotes Dictionary. _Shakespeare was very smart, _she thought.Cathy finally settled on this:

"And thus I clothe my naked villainy

With old odd ends, stol'n forth of holy writ,

And seem a saint, when most I play the devil."

-William Shakespeare

She had no idea what it meant, but it sounded very sophisticated. (Cathy made an effort to decipher it, but couldn't find "stol'n" in the dictionary.)

Sighing, Cathy looked at the clock. She had been writing for an hour and the story wasn't even started! She looked back at her screen and began _"A Siriusly Clever Pun"._

**Starlit Moonbeam Higgins stepped wide-eyed into the hogwarts great hall. **(Cathy decided that if it wasn't a person, she wasn't going to capitalize it.)** She looked around at the hundreds of students eating dinner. None had noticed her yet, but soon they would feel Star's powerful presence and see her. **

**Star tucked a jet-black, shiny curl behind her ear and blinked her amber-sapphire-emerald-garnet eyes. She wasn't nervous - at her old american school for the dark arts, she had been whipped on her first day. Surely this "sorting" couldn't top that. **

**Finally, an old man with long white hair raised his hands for quiet. **

"**As you can see, we have a new student starting with us today. She has transferred from america and will join the seventh year class, and her name is Starlit Moonbeam Higgins."**

**Hundreds of heads turned to bask in Star's beauty. She was wearing a barely-legal miniskirt, a bra top, and stilettos, but no one mentioned that it was late November. Or the seventies. No, every boy in the room was mesmerized by her beauty, and every girl was touched by the deep hurt they could see behind her jewel-y eyes. **

**But one boy in particular was entranced. His eyes devoured her curvaceous body and he vowed to make Star his own. **(This boy was either Sirius or Snape, Cathy hadn't decided.)

**Star, being very modest despite the stripper attire, didn't notice any of this. She had just been given the sorting hat to try on and she slipped it over her raven locks. **

"**Well what do we have here?" said the hat. "The most talent I have seen in a long time...and great intelligence too! A good and noble person, but I see deep pain underneath...And more brave and fierce than a lion! What a dilemna, my dear! You are too good for any house!"**

**But the hat eventually yelled, "GRYFFINDOR!" and Star glided to her new table amid thunderous applause. **

Cathy read her words over gleefully. No one could resist this story! She saved it under "totallycoolstorykindofaboutmebutcooler" and went to bed.

_**A/N: Hope you liked it! Feedback is very much appreciated. Oh wait, I mean REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! OR I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! Heh heh. And for the record, I actually enjoy when authors put (relevant) quotes at the beginning of their stories - most of the time. **_


	3. Cathy Kind of Knows Spanish

_**Thought I'd add a new chapter quickly since I'm probably gonna be a little slow for a few weeks. I'm working like a fiend this week and we're vacationing the next. Ain't summer great? And speaking of work, after slaving over a stinky fryer all day that chocolate cake is starting to sound mighty good! ;)**_

**_Wonderful reviewers, I'm going to thank you in rudimentary, grammatically incorrect Spanish. _Mucho gracia**! **_Don't ask, you'll get it._**

The next day, at 9:57 AM, in third period algebra class, in the second row, seats 3 and 4, the unthinkable happened.

Cathy got a boyfriend.

Well, not _exactly._ To put it _technically_ she got the boy next to her to agree to go to the movies with her, as long as she would stop passing him love notes. But Cathy had long ago decided she'd take her victories where she could get them.

But she didn't do the world a favor and stop writing her story. On the contrary, Cathy decided she'd have to channel Star's wonderfulness on her date, so she wrote fiendishly for the next two days.

On the first day, there was nothing. Then Cathy said, "Let there be an awkward but adorable meeting." And it was so.

**Star sat down at the gryffindor table next to a red-headed girl with green eyes. **(Cathy wanted her readers to _guess_ who this mysterious redhead was before she revealed it.) **The girl gave Star a friendly smile and welcomed her to gryffindor house. Star was responding with a _dazzling_ smile when a pair of mesmerizing gray eyes caught her attention.**

**She studied the face they belonged to. The young man was extremely handsome, with silky hair almost - but not quite, of course - as black as Star's own. She gave him a shy smile, her emerald-amethyst-sapphire- **(_Oh, what the hell, _thought Cathy. _It sounds cool.) _**-quartz****eyes twinkling. Embarrassed at being caught staring (although who could blame him - the whole _school_ was staring), he turned away quickly. Star felt a rosy blush spread across her cheeks and looked away as well. Little did she know that the subtle color made her appear even more beautiful to the handsome boy. **

**Star's attention returned to the front of the room, but the boy's never wavered. He watched the glints of light on Star's hair as she shifted her head, and was entranced by the way her long, feathery eyelashes framed her emerald-ameth-...oh, you know... eyes. He also stared at her cleavage, which wasn't difficult because it was pushed up to gravity-defying heights. **

**Next to the boy, whose name was Sirius Black, another boy with messy black hair was spelling out the words "DATE ME LE" on his plate with noodles. He noticed his friend staring at the gorgeous new girl and gave him a nudge. **

"**What's the matter?"**

**Sirius answered in a dazed voice, his eyes never leaving Star's face. Star, although remarkably intuitive, did not notice. "I d-don't know...She's so b-beautiful...I've never felt this way before!" **

"**That's right, you playboy! You're with a new girl every week, but it really reveals your troubled nature! And of course, you're always looking for "The One". Man, I hope she doesn't find out about your womanizing past! She might delay dating you for ten whole chapters!"**

**Sirius gave his friend a puzzled look. "Huh?" **

**Meanwhile, the red-headed girl was talking to Star. She had been unintimidated by Star's ridiculously skimpy clothing, superior attitude, and inhuman beauty, and was now introducing herself. **

"**I'm Lily Evans." **(Did you guess it? Cathy sure is clever!)

"**Moonlit Starbeam Higgins. No, Starlit Moonbeam. Everybody calls me Star," replied Star.**

"**What a beautiful name! And you have to tell me how you get your hair so shiny!"**

"**Oh this?" Star glanced dismissively at her radiant hair. "It looks like this when I get out of bed. Hey" - She leaned in closer to Lily -"who's that boy over there?"**

**Lily rolled her eyes. "Sirius Black. Second-biggest idiot in the school. And the biggest is James Potter, who I hate with every cell and fiber of my being." James was now pointing to his plate and mouthing the words at Lily. **

**Star had a sneaky suspicion that Lily was actually madly in love with James. Her psychic powers sometimes gave her hints like this. But she ignored it and instead said quietly, "_Sirius eres muy guapa!_"**

**Lily gaped. "You know rudimentary, grammatically incorrect spanish?"**

**Star fluttered her eyelashes modestly. "Oh, yes, my parents were spanish. I say "were" because...(sniff)...because...they DIED! VIOLENTLY!" Star let out a great howl and tears poured down her cheeks. Sirius longed to comfort her, because even with a red, tear-and-snot-stained face, she looked stunningly beautiful.**

"**_Somos el mujer de me corazon_," murmured Sirius to himself.**

**Star's bawling abruptly stopped. "You know rudimentary, grammatically incorrect spanish too?" They shared a moment of deep meaning, slight awkwardness, and much blushing, but it was broken by Dumbledore's yell of "Tuck in!"**

**Sirius took this to heart and immediately ate everything on the table. Then he went to the slytherin table and stole their food as well. **

"**What are we going to eat?" asked Star. She was only saying this in surprise - she hadn't had any solid food since her figure was described as "willowy." And the only purpose for the liquid food was because she had also been described as "curvaceous." **(While Cathy wasn't sure one could be both willowy and curvaceous, she knew that Star could manage it.)

"**How do you think I'm so slender?" Lily muttered as Sirius took a bite out of the ravenclaw table.**

Cathy yawned. She had been writing for 4 hours straight! Not because she thought carefully over everything she wrote, but because she typed with one finger while saying the letters: "S...T...A...R..."

"That's enough for today," thought Cathy. She was absolutely exhausted, having poured so much of herself into her made-up character. More writing tomorrow! Cathy was thrilled at the thought.

_**Wow, I think this story is actually going to have a plot! A hole-y, held-together-with-strings plot, but a plot all the same. Anyway, thanks again to all my reviewers. Each one brightens my day! And I know that most Mary-Sues use French, not Spanish, but my knowledge of French is pretty much limited to "Oui, mademoiselle!" **_


	4. Cathy Wears NonProvocative Clothing

**Back from my little hiatus! Work was awful, but my vacation was amazing, so it all evens out in the end. Thanks again to my reviewers! Each review is a like a pat for my tender, geeky little ego. **

Cathy awoke the next morning, jumped out of bed, and crossed off a day on her Princess Pony calendar. _Only four more days until Saturday, _she thought. Saturday's box was adorned with marker scribbles, including "BIG DATE WITH BOYFRIEND!"

Being an optimistic person, Cathy hadn't included that it was her first ever date. Or that the boy in question was actually a frightened, possibly illiterate acquaintance, not her boyfriend.

Nevertheless, Cathy went around school that day with a huge smile on her face, dressed in an outfit that, for once, didn't violate the "non-provocative" part of the dress code.

Her classmates were frightened, especially the boys. Many thought that this was somehow Cathy's new strategy, and a record number reported to the nurse with "headaches" - widely known as the best fake malady, since neither a fever nor vomiting is required.

And, at exactly 3:34, Cathy sat back down at her computer. A gleam of Mary-Sue madness appeared in her eyes and flushed her pale face. Star was back!

**After dinner, Lily showed her new best friend Star where the Gryffindor dormitories were. It was a long, complicated journey, but Star knew her incredible intelligence and photographic memory would keep her from getting lost. **

**In the seventh-year dormitory, Lily introduced Star to her friend, Cecilia Raine LeBourgeois, pronounced "_Lay-boor-gee-oh-ees_", of course. Cecilia, or "Cecy-poo-cute-nickname," as she was called, was Lily's former best friend. ("Former" because of course, Star was now Lily's favorite. But Cecilia was okay with this.)**

**Before going to bed, the seventh-years crowded around Star, hoping to find out where she came from, and why she had randomly transferred to Hogwarts, and also why this was allowed. Of course, they didn't realize that no one could turn down Star, not when she was bruised and crying. And obviously beaten. And bruised, like, black and blue. (A/N: This is totally a hint!) **(Cathy was trying to inject some mystery into her story, so it would have something for _everyone._ Hopefully a _few_ brilliant readers would catch her subtle hints.)

**But Star just smiled enigmatically and brilliantly, answering evasively but truthfullyly sincerely. "I just didn't like it over there - their - they're **(One_ of them has to be right,_ thought Cathy.) **in America."**

**Star looked away from the group of people, and her sapphire-diamond-ruby-emerald eyes glistened with tender, crystalline tears. She rubbed a still-fresh bruise on her arm as she lost herself in the dark, cavernous, cave-like, opaque cavern/cave of her memories.** (_Now that is a brilliant piece of writing!_thought Cathy. _Screw Mrs. Porker, the more adjectives, the better!)_

**(A/N: This is a flashback. From, like, the past.)**

"_**No you may NOT have another sip of water! You disobeyed us! No one is allowed to help anyone else within these walls!"**_

_**CRACK! The whip smashed down again on Star's naked shoulders. She shivered and looked up at her assailant, fear in her eyes. She'd only tried to give away some of her bread to a small boy in the next cell. Star was just that sweet, kind, and self-sacrificing. Each bite of pain was worth it, for that boy would live to see another hellish day in the Evil and Torture Academy of United States...**_

**(A/N: The flashback is now over. It's like, the present.)**

**Star wiped the tears from her eyes, turned away, and whispered to herself, "They hit and whipped me there. And I was starving, and it was full of perverts. PERVERTS!" **(Just more of Cathy's excellent subtlety.) **Even though Star had screeched "perverts" at the top of her voice, no one noticed. No one, that is, except one person.**

**Sirius Black.**

**(Yes, the really hot guy with silky black hair, piercing eyes, chiseled abs, and perfect teeth. Him.)**

**Concerned, he tapped Star on the shoulder. **

"**Are you OK?"**

**She turned around, startled. "I was just talking to myself, you know. I got a little - sniff - emotional." Star looked away. "I've had a hard life."**

**Sirius sighed. "So hard that deep inside you'll probably think you're just not capable or worthy of love. But I'll fix you, don't worry."**

"**What?" Star said.**

"**Oh, nothing. You want to talk about your past?"**

**Star's eyes filled with delicate tears, and Sirius immediately regretted the question. She was just so impossibly gorgeous that he couldn't act like a normal person around her. He was constantly coughing, running his fingers through his silky, shiny, silky hair, and shuffling his feet. **

"**Well, I'll talk to you later, then?" Sirius mumbled, feet still shuffling the two-step. **

**Star nodded and turned to go to the dormitory. As she passed Sirius, she brushed up against his side. Sirius felt what seemed like an electric shock, accompanied by tingling up and down his legs and arms. He promptly fell to the floor and began convulsing, his hair sticking up on end. **(_Now _that's_ chemistry,_ thought Star, who obviously had never accidentally touched someone.)

**Twitching on the floor, Sirius knew from that moment who his perfect girl was. He wanted to feel like he had been stuck by lightning _all the time_, and Star was the only woman for him. He ignored the stares from his fellow Gryffindors and stumbled up the stairs, his left leg still convulsing. **

**But Sirius didn't realize that Star was also lying on the ground twitching (although much more gracefully)...**

Cathy didn't have any idea of what to write next, so she decided to let her readers help out a little. They were too stupid to realize anything, right?

**A/N: SO! CLIFFHANGER, huh? Now what do you think should happen next? I totally know and all, I just want to hear what you think and laugh at how wrong you are. Really, I know what's going to happen. I have it all written out, even.**

Satisfied, Cathy turned off her computer and jumped into bed. Was it her imagination, or was Cathy's hair slightly shinier than that morning? Of course, it could have been the accumulated grease - since beginning her story, Cathy had only showered once. What seventh-grader has time for hygiene when they're living in a fantasy world, anyway?

**Sorry for the long wait - I've been having major writer's block. So, in true Cathy style, I'm going to ask if you have any ideas since I'm running out of inspiration. Maybe I should go read a few Mary-Sues for material...shudder! What I won't do for my work! ;)**

**Anyway, feedback, as always, is greatly appreciated. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far!**


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